Still steadily making positive changes, often regressing and taking backwards steps – but am slowly getting better at it though still have the odd outburst here and there (it’s no fair!! I’m so tired!! etc etc) better grow out of it before Yoyo starts doing the same…!
I have a note in my book that simply says “poomergency”. We had one of those this week. You know there’s some messy trouble ahead when your child hasn’t had a poo in a few days. Well, luckily for me Yoyo had her horror turdfiest on the night I was on my own and had nothing ready to deal with it. Don’t want to gross everyone out with all the details but suffice to say it was one of those moments when you think she’s finished but she hasn’t and you come back into the room from washing your hands to find a big brown explosion with wriggling feet in it and a baby greedily sucking their thumb, then when you reach for the wet wipes they’re all gone so you pick up the baby, smudging poop all over yourself to wrestle her into the shower and put her in her little tub where she immediately does a wee and so wallows in yellow-brown piss water (still happily sucking her thumb which you really hope hasn’t left her mouth in the last 10 minutes!) whilst you struggle with holding her head up with one hand and adjusting the hot water/struggling with the too-short shower hose with the other. And then in your pooey haste, you didn’t actually pick anything up to wash her with so you use the maybe soiled top you ripped off her and your bare hands to scrub the dark brown markings off her legs and the sides of the tub. And yourself…. So, yeh.
sketch I did for world vision australia project, inspired by something striking someone said to me at a multicultural playgroup I took Yoyo to
This week was a bit of rollercoaster as it tends to be when you think you have a potentially awesome job lined up and then it disappears. Yeh, then times that by 2 :'( You’d think after about 10 years doing this it gets easier when things fall through – it doesn’t. Well, I guess I’m generally better at not getting too excited about things until it’s completely in the bag. But over time that turns into not getting excited about anything at all and you wonder what’s more important – protecting yourself from disappointment by never feeling the highs or going all out and letting yourself feel everything. As I watch my daughter grow the imagined future conversations I have with her when she faces these kinds of things build up. What will I tell her when she’s faced with set backs and disappointment whilst struggling to do what she loves? Will I overcome my own personal struggles and pessimism to tell her to go for it and that it’ll all work out in the end? I don’t think I’ll ever tell her that. I think I’ll tell her to go for it for sure, but I’ll tell also that it’ll be bloody hard and there’ll be times when she wants to give up and wonder if it’s all worth it. And she might not ever even be very successful (objectively, whatever that means) at what she tries to do… but at least she did it and gave it her all. A good quote from a book I bought at the perpetually stock-clearing Book Grocer (I suppose that is the goal of all retail businesses…):
“..remember that the mistakes of the young often overcome the successes of the old, that the flawed but colourful performance, the enthusiastic outward looking and imaginative act triumphs over the chiselled professional delivery of the inveterate, dispassionate hack.” (Bad Idea Anthology 1, edited Jack Roberts & Daniel Stacey)
I’m not very young anymore, but I need to allow myself freedom to make plenty of mistakes – and even just throw myself into making them. The fear sneaks up on you so slowly you don’t even realise and you cocoon yourself in safety, dismissing new ideas and making excuses to not do things… I don’t want that. I need to keep fighting to achieve vague and distant goals, stop seeing them as dreams but as possible realities and ignoring the absolutely real outcome of failing. Another quote from the same book:
“And if it all ends in flames so be it.”
One exciting bit of news though – my fabric designs are in production, awaiting test prints in about 10 days 🙂 🙂
Nirvana and Grimes are powering me through this week. Got back from gym around 9 tonight and straight into doing a pro-bono brief for a UK charity thing.
My memory is probably going to work best if I work back from today… spent the weekend in Wagga Wagga at the Australian International Animation Festival. Went there to check out all the films and see what I might want to bring to Shepp in October. Kind of feel like the range and quality of film were better last year, but that may be my mind playing tricks on me. It was Yoyo’s first weekend away from home and my first Mothers Day ever. Was good, though her sleeping routine is a little messed up now.
Today was about getting through the day and waiting to hear back on a job. You know, those sucky hours where you fight with yourself over your doubts and insecurities whilst trying to remain optimistic and sing Twinkle Twinkle to your child. Kind of weird, kind of spaced out.
Went for a Winton Wetlands site visit on Tuesday to see about a possible project out there. Amazing place – so big and kind of desolate. Beautiful and secluded. Got to find the time to get some ideas down and make some mock ups. Yeh it’s hard sometimes but I can’t let Yoyo become an excuse to not do what I want to do and be who I know I am. How much would that suck. So also this week my writing has regressed and I have decided to sound like a teen. OK, whatever.
Sleep is still unpredictable and often elusive (partly my own doing) but hey, Margret Thatcher ran a country on 2 hours sleep. Sure she screwed a lot of people and eventually a whole country over but still, the point is: she ran a country on 2 hours sleep. I can do this.
Ooh also, ordered some samples of random shit with my repeat pattern (random like: joggers, pillow case, button up shirt – watch out for a selfie wearing all the clothes and lying nonchalantly on a pillow)
Below: WIP for a client // repeat pattern for clothing test
Life is about 20 times busier these days and I can’t handle the pace. So this week I signed up to the gym, which I haven’t done since my uni days (which lasted about 2 weeks), in an attempt to build better habits and become a a giant ball of energy. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I won’t be able to get anything non-baby related done until after she goes to bed in the evening so I need to be bouncing off the walls round the clock to get what I need and what I want to get done, done. Having to fight for time to do what I want seems to make me want to do them more and appreciate the outcomes better. Had my first fitness class on Saturday morning and my muscles still ache :'( It was only half an hour! At 4 months I guess the ‘just had a baby’ excuse wears thin. I wasn’t particularly exercise-y before pregnancy but I definitely feel that a lot of my muscles have gone to shit. Also dawned on me that I need to walk up and down stairs more – we need more stairs, people!
Set up a Facebook shop via Shopify and loaded up some prints on it. So far my bug series are available as well as few bits and pieces from the past few years that I quite like. It’s going to be a slow process building up customers for them but for now it’s a much better place to send people when they want to buy something from me. Will be expanding to standalone shop site later in the year when I’ve decided how I want to do it all.
Yoyo had a total nightmare of a day last Tuesday and then snapped back to regular baby the day after.
This week – did a poster for a client, a pic for my folio and line design for a repeat pattern for fabric. Not many sketches to show for it this week, spilled water all over the client sketches and did the other ones digitally.